What is a blended family?
A blended family is a family that has children from previous relationships.
Get rid of the big happy family myth
Many people make the mistake of thinking they’re the exception and that everything is going to turn out fine. Those who take this approach end up slacking on doing the due diligence to ensure the life transition is as drama free as possible. It’s best to be realistic and maybe even consider the worst-case scenario when it comes to the possibilities of what could happen when you finally merge your partner’s life and kids with yours. Blending families could have lasting effects your children and even your relationship.
Know your role with your stepchildren in your blended family
If the relationship is new it’s best to play the role of a parental figure per se or an adult babysitter but not quite as their parent, yet. You should only be reinforcing the rules your partner already has for their biological children and vice versa. You should not have the last say so on a rule. In the beginning, it’s important to create space for the children to gain a good understanding of how their new family operates.
Another rule of thumb is for you to try not to show favoritism to your biological children when your stepchildren are around. This is something you’ll have to consciously practice because you are naturally going to have a better bond and connection with your own children. As we know children have strong memories and this time in their life already has their minds and hearts filled with many emotions. Being a part of a blended family is enough to deal with on its own. So it’s best to avoid any hurt feelings.
Have sit-downs with your partner AND all of your children
Communication is crucial during this time in your life because there is simply so much to discuss so that everyone is on the same page. For example, new family rules can cause much dispair when everyone is not totally clear on what they are. You must talk with your partners before you blend the family about your parenting styles and the rules you have set for your children.
Stay consistent with family routines
Since everything in your child’s life is changing it’s important to keep some normalcy in their life that is consistent with what they were doing before your family became blended Everything in your children’s lives is changing and that can be emotionally much. Therefore staying consistent with your family routines prior to blending your family will add a sense of comfort, stability, and trust within your kids.
Avoid guilty parenting
You are the parent and not the friend. Don’t fall into the trap of guilty parenting where you turn into their acquaintances rather than remain their enforcer. Forget being afraid that they will hate you or not want to come over. Your job is to raise them well and you are still the best parent for them. There may be some power struggles along the way but don’t give in.
A clean break from the past
This is easier said than done, however ideally you want to have a clean and clear boundary with your ex-partner. Without intentionally ensuring you have a clean break, there is so much opportunity for real havoc and chaos in your and your children’s lives. Usually, when there are no kids involved you can easily make the break up pretty clean. You can block your ex from social media, delete every picture you have with them and totally disconnect from mutual friends. But when children are involved you cannot do this. So a clean break actually means having clear boundaries and keeping them – Boundaries, not barriers. Now this may take some trial and error, so just be sure to pay attention to what needs to be addressed and have clear communication with your ex on what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate. Adjustments may need to be made along the way and that’s okay.
The best very best move you can make before you blend your family is to do your research. Don’t ever think you know exactly what to do, especially with this complicated life change. I’m not sure if this is the first blog you’ve read but please go read some more, take notes, and be intentional with the decisions you make. Don’t just wing it – bring it!
